Help others help you

This post was originally published on https://johnmusyimi.com/blog/f/help-others-help-you

Every so often, dear saint, you will find yourself in the midst of a trial and in need of others to step in and offer care. At that point, there is much grace which God will bring to you through the thoughtful, loving service of others towards you. But have you ever considered that there may be an opportunity on your part as the receiver to glorify God and commend the gospel of Christ? For most of us, we do not, generally speaking, want to be in a position where we are a burden on others. We would be right in not wanting to unnecessarily burden others when we are able to manage on our own. There are always, for sure, snares of pride and an unhealthy independence on this side of the equation. Those ought to be noted and guarded against. Should we, however, find ourselves in need of the care and concern of others there are also snares we should consider avoiding. 

So, I propose to consider some general suggestions on how we might steward ourselves in our needy states so as to bless those who God moves to come alongside us to help us bear our  burdens. (These may or may not apply depending on the situation.)

First, avoid entitlement. Yes, scriptures call on the saints to bear one another’s burdens.(eg Galatians 6.2) I think that on this question, however, it is possible for one, particularly when they are on the needy end, to hear the wrong thing. It is possible for them to hear: make others bear your burdens. If this is what they hear, their whole attitude will be skewed. They will feel that their responsibility before God is to extract help from others as opposed to revealing their need and trusting God to work in others the inclination to come in and help. This kind of thing can easily lead to the grace of care, which is meant to be volunteered by fellow saints, becoming viewed as an entitlement. If the emphasis in our minds shifts to seeing it as our responsibility to make others care for us, in-order to achieve our objective, we may feel justified to induce guilt and shame on them to get what we legitimately need from them. This, though it yields some results, may leave one’s helpers feeling bruised and bitter. 

Secondly, see to it that you do not dishearten your helpers by criticizing the quality of their care. Oftentimes, some individuals are usually overcoming fears and feelings of inadequacy to step in and offer assistance. In the event that they do so in an awkward or stumbling manner, help them by nudging gently in the right direction. Do not stand in judgment of their poor but sincere effort. A good test here is whether people are afraid to help you because they fear you will not be satisfied or pleased with their meager offering. It may take just as much energy to criticize and grumble as it will to give a gentle word of correction. Opt to spend that energy on the latter. Remember that God has had great mercy upon you in Christ and is pleased with your halting and stumbling steps of obedience.

A closely related point, thirdly, is that you should not require symmetry. Your ability to serve others may be greater than the ability of others to serve you. Reciprocity is a wonderful gift in relationships amongst the saints. We naturally, and rightly, feel an obligation to give back to those who have given to us. However, reciprocity ought not be required to be exactly symmetrical.

God has given varying gifts to different ones of us and that will be reflected in situations of reciprocal care and concern.

For example, in some families, the parents may end up doing more for their children than their children will ever do for them. In other families, the children will match and exceed their parent’s care for them.

Fourthly, avoid stubbornness.

What funny creatures we can be who, needing help we then go ahead and resist it!? Do not make people have to force care down your throat.

Let them wash your dishes and cook you a meal. Let them buy you a few nights at a fancy retreat centre to allow some rest on your part. Do not deny them the joy of making a sacrifice for your good. Seeing that not everyone will be able to engage you in as thoughtful a conversation as you may want, or have the exact words to say, it may be worthwhile to let them do such practical services. If all they accomplish is remove from you the burden of having to make smaller decisions (e.g. dishes and meals) so that you can focus on the bigger matters of engaging your trial well, let them. 

More positively, consider offering notes of encouragement to your helpers. If you can be profuse about it, (without crossing the line into flattery) the better it will be.

Give others the impression that their help, even if small in their eyes, is actually of enormous value to you.

Consider how profuse with gratitude and thanks Paul is towards churches and individuals on account of their care and support for him. (2nd Tim 1.16-18)

Break the Ice

Often, in your presence, some may find it hard to know if certain subjects are sensitive and so they opt to keep their distance. It may, thus, be immensely helpful for you to set the conversational tone where possible.

Instead of hoping that people say the right thing, you can break the ice and signal to them the degree of freedom they can have to talk to you about your grief, trial, need, etc.

I find that in situations of bereavement, for example, people are helped when they hear the one who is grieved speak of the departed and even invite others to share their own stories and experiences of the deceased. It will often be the case that people feel that you do not want to talk about your departed loved one when that is precisely what you would like to do. You can help them by breaking the ice and opening the conversational door for them.

Specify, where possible

Also, finally, if you can specify ways in which the help of others would be most apt, do so. Sometimes we are legitimately confused as to what we may need and may not know until it is offered. Sometimes we retroactively appreciate thoughtful initiative on the part of others after they’ve done what we would never have thought to ask. However, sometimes, we may actually be in a position to give some thought to a few specifics about how we could be best cared for. In such circumstances, offering such guidance to our helpers may come as a relief to them and spare them the unnecessary frustration of stumbling about in the dark trying to figure out what would be best. If it is something you consider embarrassing to admit, you may consider using a proxy (spokesperson) to speak on your behalf who would be able to spell it out for others who want to be of help to you but don’t quite know how.

In all, let others feel that you are easy to please and hard to offend, not vice versa.

Let others feel that if the heart is willing, then their service is welcome even if it doesn’t match every desire that you have. Dear saint, help others help you.